My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
