He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
