I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
