This is not my ceiling
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
