I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
