96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
