she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have aggressive nipples.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
