did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
