man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
