I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
