is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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