Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
