I wish I could teleport
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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