i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I am one with the molecules
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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