And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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