Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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