I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
