You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
