3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
