Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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