She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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