At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
