I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is wine microwaveable?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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