I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
