don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
