Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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