i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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