Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
