I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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