I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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