They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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