i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
