Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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