Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
