he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
