Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
