According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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