i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
