Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
