Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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