All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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