I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
