Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
