I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
