Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
