No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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