I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
