I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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