i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You smell like stripper and shame
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
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