That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
