My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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