just come out here and I will go home with you...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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