Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize