My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
