Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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