I understand Curling. That high.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
