I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
