nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
