Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
