not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
worst night to have a conscience
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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