I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
