wakey wakey hands off snakey
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
